• ebhowell

Are we beyond the storm?

“Liddy was over-tired, but deep down, she knew it was not caused by a parasite that she swallowed; it was her brain speeding up faster and faster. Her mind was soaring into the Milky Way and it was becoming its own planet, and it was being filled up with a million creative thoughts.”

– As Much as I Care to Remember

Approaching a new week, I’m bone-tired and I don’t have a great excuse. I’ve added up all of what I have done today or not done and wonder, “why am I so tired?” An almost headache is the closest description or symptom. It is not that good kind of tired after a long shift at work or returning home after a business trip or the dizzying kind of tired after staying up all night at a party. I have no new stories to tell.

I’m tired of each day being the same.

Being tired sounds like a hollow complaint with so many people suffering from COVID-19, they must wish to only be tired.

Our world is suffering and many people physically hurt from the inside out. Tired from not knowing what will happen next. Will my family continue to be safe? When will I see my aging parents? Where will I find new employment? How will I provide for my family until then? Will my health withstand exposure to more people? And, the list goes on. I think of Liddy from As Much as I Care to Remember when she suffered from an all-together different kind of tired than I am feeling now: Liddy was tired, but her brain was switched on.

No cup of coffee or long nap will take away my exhaustion, only time.

Liddy explained how healing doesn’t happen overnight, “It took another five to six months for Liddy to completely wake up from mania. It wasn’t a tingling, itching sensation like a wound that was healed or rediscovering the strength to scale a staircase after a month-long bout of pneumonia. It was a slow rise from a lukewarm bath that had turned cold.”

Photo: From my last afternoon on the island in the fall of 2019, leaving home & heading into a storm.

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